'Rule your mind or it will rule you'
This is a personal post for me, it isn't something I would normally want to share or even put up on the internet, to be honest I'm not sure if I'll actually post this but if I have and you're reading this, know this was a bit of a leap of faith for me. I feel uncomfortable right now...ok. Here we go.
From my experience this quote above is very true. The past few years have been very difficult and challenging for me. I know Anxiety and Depression has been somewhat highlighted in social media and especially on Youtube, with a lot of people coming forward with their experiences of it. I'm not personally sure if I will ever be able to share my full story with everyone, there are still things that I'm getting my head around and I am currently trying to get on top of them. However, I do think that anxiety leaves a 'dent' (if you will) that no matter how many times you try to tap it out, buff it out or ignore it; it is always going to be there.. niggling in the back of your mind, ready to pop back out and surprise you. You have to be strong to not let it get back on top of you.
I'm not saying that my experience is worse than anyone else's, as I know that anxiety can be a daily occurrence for some and luckily enough for me, this isn't the case anymore.. I still get anxious but I don't have panic attacks as often now. I've managed to gain some sort of 'rule' over my mind when it comes to going out in public and being in social situations. Again, there are things I need to work on to feel more confident in speaking to new people for example (I never know what to say, this just makes me feel awkward and then the situation turns awkward because of my behaviour- not actually because it was awkward.. you feel me??).. anyway.. When I first really started noticing my anxiety, I had already isolated and distanced myself away from my friends, from my family and my boyfriend. By the time I was actually kind of ready to maybe discuss things a little bit, my relationships had already melted away or weren't as good as they once were- meaning I felt very awkward talking to them about anything, let alone my issues. I felt so alone. Even though in reality my friends actually wanted to help, I just wouldn't let them.
I had never really seen this coming. Now I know what it feels like and how I react I know I've actually been dealing with anxiety for many many years. Its just at the time I was handling it.. sort of.. and to be honest was making the situation a lot worse, building this feeling up inside of me that was eventually going to explode as a MASSIVE panic attack that lasted months. This was so full on I felt like I couldn't live where I was living, I felt like I couldn't go to university or even go outside. My boyfriend by this point was ridiculously supportive and let me move in with him for a bit, supported me going to university (luckily we were in the same class for a little while so he helped me make sure I passed my exam). I am so glad I let him in, because I don't know where I would be right now or how I would be if he wasn't there.
What I'm trying to say is that if you feel like you are drowning and a cannot swim, it is always the best to share the problem to help keep you afloat. Even if you feel like the person won't understand (I'm pretty sure my boyfriend didn't understand but was very supportive non-the-less) it is worth sharing, getting support and advice. You never know if someone else is having the same issue.
I know this blogpost isn't really much of anything, but I feel good about getting a little bit off my chest. I guess I've never really addressed this properly to myself. Baby steps people, baby steps.
Love C. xx